Number One Mistake

I've been thinking a lot about my past lately, because I've been noticing that my personality fluctuates a lot in response to stress and triggers in my life. At least once a year I burn almost every bridge of friendship in my life, because I dwell on them and obsess over finally having a friend. I don't want to lose them but it's my own fault that I always do. I care about others too much that it scares them away. It's not normal to become so preoccupied with other people that you lose complete sight of yourself. It's not normal to feel like every day is a battle of life or death of what comes next; waiting for fate to take yet another important person away. They always leave, they always will. It is my own fault. I can't help that I am the way I am- all I can learn how to do is accept it and not let it determine the course of my future. A diagnosis only tells you what goes on in someone's head- it doesn't tell you anything about who they are.

I can't hang myself up on the idea that I'll never be normal. I need to know that it is okay not to be okay.

I need to learn how to love people without scaring them away.
I need to stop listening to every voice in my head and instead try to hear my voice among the babble.

I'm tired of this repeating struggle in my life. Of losing friends and contact with people almost once every year because I go off the deep end. I turn into someone that even I don't know. That personal is brutal and toxic and heartless. That is not who I am and I want to stop letting myself become that. I wish I could fix everything in my life that I've broken. I wish I could say that I'm different now. But will I ever be different? Will I ever stop burning every bridge I've ever walked on?

I want to stop being my own number one mistake. I want to live without mistakes.