4/15/19

Everything I love dies.

Tico got put down today. No one in my family was home - it was just me and Tico. No one wanted or could handle being there. I know that I would never live with myself if I wasn't with him when he died. I was scared he would die alone in his sleep or something.
I have handled it better than I thought I would. Being there with him, holding him as he died, was one of the most heartbreaking and traumatic things I've ever experienced.
I didn't want to sob while I held him. I didn't want him to get scared that I was scared. I still haven't stopped trembling.I watched him fall asleep and I felt him stop breathing. All the sudden 15 years of my life ended. He's gone.

The worst part was standing up afterwards while still holding him. I had no idea his body and bones would be so limp- he was like a beanie baby filled with sand. It scared me. I didn't want to let go of him. I laid him on the table and slid him into a cardboard box and closed it. Gravity pulled my heart to my feet as I carried that box up to the hole that was dug in the backyard. I finally broke down in tears when I put the box in the ground, it finally seemed real and that he's never coming back. Covering the box with dirt felt like I was inside that box too because he took a part of my heart with him. My heart will always be with him. I know he's in a better place. I know it was his time.

My heart is still broken though because death has taken yet another thing away from me. My heart is the gift that never stops giving. At least some hold on to my heart until their life ends.
I'm tired of loving anything. Everything I love dies.

I was glad that I did this all alone though. It meant I had strength to be with him to the end. He needed someone to be with him because he was scared of living. He has been there for everyone else his whole life and this was when he needed someone there for him. No one else could handle watching him die. I handled it because I loved him enough to stay with him up to his last moment- no matter how scared we both were. It will always hurt to remember him taking his last breath but I think the strength it took to go through this alone has brought me some closure. His body was what I covered with dirt, but his heart will always be in my heart. I can't hold him in my arms anymore, but I feel like I still can when I think about him.

I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm empty. I miss him
But, I'm not sobbing like others are. I don't feel like the world ended. I think that's what he would have wanted -- to know that I could still be happy without him. I am so glad I have Carley to comfort me, because she knows I need her. She hasn't left my side all day
I'm trying to be okay. I'm trying.
That's all I can do.
At least I had strength that others didn't.
I just have an empty void inside of me and I don't want him to disappear.