11 a.m.
I had a nightmare that Tico died. He collapsed in the hallway and my sister found him. I couldn't breathe. But about an hour later I saw him running down the hallway because somehow he came back to life. I had another nightmare about living at home and my mom yelling and screaming at me. She can't stand me and how different I was and she was saying so many mean things to me. It felt real because of how many times it did happen growing up. I had a meltdown because I couldn't find my headphones to stop listening to the nightmare in my head. I've been awake since 1 a.m. because I couldn't fall back asleep after waking up from these nightmares.
I wish I knew how to stop feeling like I am the way people treat me as I am. Even though I know better, I don't know how to convince myself that I'm better than the awful person people think I am. I can't take anything back that I said. I'm just scaring away every damn person that matters to me. The sun in my life goes away as soon as the rain cloud in my head feels like it is starting to go away. The clouds will never be what goes away, only the sun. I'm back in a thunderstorm again. Why do people say the storm will pass? Sure it goes away, but it always comes back.
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