4/20/19

I just looked at my profile picture on Facebook of me with Carley and Tico and I lost it. All the pain came back again. He's gone. He is not in this world anymore. I'm never going to ever have more pictures to take of him. I miss his face and his paws and holding him upside down until he sneezes.
I'm glad he left this world while in my arms, but at the same time it's hard to have the memory of that being the last time I ever did hold him.

He can't come back no matter how many tears I cry. I will never kiss his face again no matter if I look through so many pictures of him that I forget he's not here. He will never be there to say hi when I walk through the door. I will never wake up to him curled up like a ball sleeping by me feet. I can't ever wrap food in a napkin to bring home for him again. He will never be here anymore to lick the tears off my face.
 I don't know what I would do without Carley.
She is all that I have had this week. Losing him feels like my heart went with him. I don't know how to miss him without hurting. I want to remember him and be happy that I had the time with him that I did. I don't want him to disappear.

I just want to fall asleep in a black hole and never wake up. I wish I could disappear forever like everything else in this world does. People say happiness is a choice, but how do I choose to stop hurting? If people are there for me, then where the fuck are they? How do I look for the light when everything around me just keeps getting darker? At least dogs make better friends than people. At least I can go to sleep tonight knowing that Carley loves and cares about me.