At least when it gets to it's worst - it has to start getting better.
I have plenty more room to start going up because I don't have much left to fall down.
Friday, May 24, 2019
4/12/19
5 p.m.
I'm not ready to lose Tico, but I know that it is his time - he is absolutely miserable.
Carley has taken up my entire heart and will be my rock while I mourn the loss of Tico.
.
I'm tired of fake love; it's all just pretend.
I just want to be wrapped up and thrown into the bottom of the ocean.
No one is lonely without me.
I'll never be that to anyone.
I'll never receive the kind of love that I give.
Do you know what it feels like to have to beg people to spend time with you?
I've never known anything else.
The more I distance myself the more I see how little I mean to people.
My heart feels locked inside of a box that I've lost the key to, and I have no one who will help me try to find it.
I'm not ready to lose Tico, but I know that it is his time - he is absolutely miserable.
Carley has taken up my entire heart and will be my rock while I mourn the loss of Tico.
.
I'm tired of fake love; it's all just pretend.
I just want to be wrapped up and thrown into the bottom of the ocean.
No one is lonely without me.
I'll never be that to anyone.
I'll never receive the kind of love that I give.
Do you know what it feels like to have to beg people to spend time with you?
I've never known anything else.
The more I distance myself the more I see how little I mean to people.
My heart feels locked inside of a box that I've lost the key to, and I have no one who will help me try to find it.
4/8/19
11 a.m.
I had a nightmare that Tico died. He collapsed in the hallway and my sister found him. I couldn't breathe. But about an hour later I saw him running down the hallway because somehow he came back to life. I had another nightmare about living at home and my mom yelling and screaming at me. She can't stand me and how different I was and she was saying so many mean things to me. It felt real because of how many times it did happen growing up. I had a meltdown because I couldn't find my headphones to stop listening to the nightmare in my head. I've been awake since 1 a.m. because I couldn't fall back asleep after waking up from these nightmares.
I wish I knew how to stop feeling like I am the way people treat me as I am. Even though I know better, I don't know how to convince myself that I'm better than the awful person people think I am. I can't take anything back that I said. I'm just scaring away every damn person that matters to me. The sun in my life goes away as soon as the rain cloud in my head feels like it is starting to go away. The clouds will never be what goes away, only the sun. I'm back in a thunderstorm again. Why do people say the storm will pass? Sure it goes away, but it always comes back.
I had a nightmare that Tico died. He collapsed in the hallway and my sister found him. I couldn't breathe. But about an hour later I saw him running down the hallway because somehow he came back to life. I had another nightmare about living at home and my mom yelling and screaming at me. She can't stand me and how different I was and she was saying so many mean things to me. It felt real because of how many times it did happen growing up. I had a meltdown because I couldn't find my headphones to stop listening to the nightmare in my head. I've been awake since 1 a.m. because I couldn't fall back asleep after waking up from these nightmares.
I wish I knew how to stop feeling like I am the way people treat me as I am. Even though I know better, I don't know how to convince myself that I'm better than the awful person people think I am. I can't take anything back that I said. I'm just scaring away every damn person that matters to me. The sun in my life goes away as soon as the rain cloud in my head feels like it is starting to go away. The clouds will never be what goes away, only the sun. I'm back in a thunderstorm again. Why do people say the storm will pass? Sure it goes away, but it always comes back.
4/4/19
7:11 p.m.
I'm slowly starting to feel less weighed down by my life and this world. I wish doing the right thing didn't feel so wrong. I just want closure with the things that give me anxiety.
I'm slowly trying to learn how to change my thoughts.
I just wish my thoughts would stop racing so much. Because every time I try to change one bad thought, a bad thought comes up in my head right after that. I feel like my brain is playing a 360 degree version of tug-of-war because every side of my head is being pulled at.
3/27/19
1:00 a.m.
I just want to know who somebody is when I'm not looking. I want to learn about someone because normal is everything I'm not. Even I would not want to learn about who I am.
I want to care about somebody because I don't even care about myself.
At the same time though, I wish someone cared about me.
I hope I start working soon.
8 p.m.
I feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be right now and things are starting to fall into place.
Like I was falling down a deep pit and I chose the strongest ledge to hold on to.
It's not that I failed my plans, my plans failed me.
11:23 p.m.
I drank too much too fast and I feel like I need to puke. But it makes me stop feeling so on edge about everything in my life that I'm nervous about.
I just want to know who somebody is when I'm not looking. I want to learn about someone because normal is everything I'm not. Even I would not want to learn about who I am.
I want to care about somebody because I don't even care about myself.
At the same time though, I wish someone cared about me.
I hope I start working soon.
8 p.m.
I feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be right now and things are starting to fall into place.
Like I was falling down a deep pit and I chose the strongest ledge to hold on to.
It's not that I failed my plans, my plans failed me.
11:23 p.m.
I drank too much too fast and I feel like I need to puke. But it makes me stop feeling so on edge about everything in my life that I'm nervous about.
3/23/19
5 p.m.
Back to December
I'm glad I'm away from the person who aggravated my mental health. But so far it has done nothing but make me miss my friends.
The last time I saw most of them is still burned in the back of my mind.
I'd go back in time and change it but I can't.
I need to stop thinking what other people think of me. If someone doesn't like me it's their problem not mine.
6 p.m.
The sun is blinding. It hurts to look up.
3/22/19
These memories never go away.
I wish I could wake up with amnesia and forget every stupid thing.
I'm tired of imagining someone loves me.
3/20/19
10 p.m.
You can't hurt someone and tell them how to feel. I wish I would have never put trust in anyone. I will never get it back. I keep thinking of my childhood and getting trapped in bad memories that I wish I could forget about. The day my Dad pulled the car over when he was driving me home from seminary is something that will always hurt to remember.
He was yelling at me about my hair pulling. He was mad that I had another bald spot. He made me bend my head down towards him so he could touch my hair and see the bald spot.
I was frozen in fear. I wanted to cry because I was scared and felt alone. He thinks it was something I had control over and that I pulled my hair and eyelashes out on purpose. Both of my parents did.
My mom got so mad once about how big of a bald spot I had. She made me let her take a picture of it with her hand showing the size of it. She said it was as big as a tennis ball.Then she told all the kids upstairs to see how big it was. She printed the pictures out and gave them to me so I could remember how ugly and embarrassing my head was. She treated me very poorly, as if I wanted to have a hair-pulling compulsion. I would never wish that on anyone because it is a terrible disease to have to suffer with. She looked at me with disgust and I stopped ever making eye contact with her because it hurt me to see her face. I'm not going to look at her and see the disappointment in her eyes and how quickly she looks away because she can't stand looking at me most of the time.
I never want my parents to ever say I look pretty or beautiful, because it is only conditionally. I only look good to them if I don't stand out from everyone else. I only look good to them when I look normal or if I look like I'm someone I'm not. There are pieces of me that will always be ugly to them.
I will never be able to fully forgive them or ever love them. They hurt my feelings more frequently than ever having something good to say about me. There will always be something wrong about me and something for them to ridicule me about.
They pretend my struggles don't exist because they are embarrassed to accept my diseases that I have no control over.
As if my illnesses would cease to exist if I pretended they weren't there. They act like every little thing in life is a choice. Depression is not a choice. Addiction is not a choice. Anxiety is not a choice. Autism is not a choice. Trichotillomania is not a choice. My mood swings are not a choice.
I can't choose to be happy when everything inside of me hurts. They can't tell me how to feel when they hurt me the most.
My anxiety has been so bad that I can't stop puking. I just wish it all would go away. All of my thoughts and feelings.
You can't hurt someone and tell them how to feel. I wish I would have never put trust in anyone. I will never get it back. I keep thinking of my childhood and getting trapped in bad memories that I wish I could forget about. The day my Dad pulled the car over when he was driving me home from seminary is something that will always hurt to remember.
He was yelling at me about my hair pulling. He was mad that I had another bald spot. He made me bend my head down towards him so he could touch my hair and see the bald spot.
I was frozen in fear. I wanted to cry because I was scared and felt alone. He thinks it was something I had control over and that I pulled my hair and eyelashes out on purpose. Both of my parents did.
My mom got so mad once about how big of a bald spot I had. She made me let her take a picture of it with her hand showing the size of it. She said it was as big as a tennis ball.Then she told all the kids upstairs to see how big it was. She printed the pictures out and gave them to me so I could remember how ugly and embarrassing my head was. She treated me very poorly, as if I wanted to have a hair-pulling compulsion. I would never wish that on anyone because it is a terrible disease to have to suffer with. She looked at me with disgust and I stopped ever making eye contact with her because it hurt me to see her face. I'm not going to look at her and see the disappointment in her eyes and how quickly she looks away because she can't stand looking at me most of the time.
I never want my parents to ever say I look pretty or beautiful, because it is only conditionally. I only look good to them if I don't stand out from everyone else. I only look good to them when I look normal or if I look like I'm someone I'm not. There are pieces of me that will always be ugly to them.
I will never be able to fully forgive them or ever love them. They hurt my feelings more frequently than ever having something good to say about me. There will always be something wrong about me and something for them to ridicule me about.
They pretend my struggles don't exist because they are embarrassed to accept my diseases that I have no control over.
As if my illnesses would cease to exist if I pretended they weren't there. They act like every little thing in life is a choice. Depression is not a choice. Addiction is not a choice. Anxiety is not a choice. Autism is not a choice. Trichotillomania is not a choice. My mood swings are not a choice.
I can't choose to be happy when everything inside of me hurts. They can't tell me how to feel when they hurt me the most.
My anxiety has been so bad that I can't stop puking. I just wish it all would go away. All of my thoughts and feelings.
3/15/19
My nightmares are coming true. I'm tired of hearing the screaming. It's like when you're alone in your car and scream at the top of your lungs- and you're the only one who can hear it. That's what my head sounds like. The buzzing sound in my ears won't stop
I'm scared that if I love people they'll die.
I'm scared that if I ever believe someone loves me then they will die.
I can't lose anyone again that I love like I loved my curly grandma.
I keep getting so angry that I give myself a migraine.
3/13/19
5:36 p.m.
I keep seeing rainbows everywhere. I'm scared. I'm scared of everything around me. I just want to breathe again but there is only one way out of this thing called life.
That way is ⇓⇓⇓. Not rainbows.
I want to enjoy this silence. But everyone I've ever loved is yelling at me.
Who cares what I think.
I only know how to care about the end. I only know how to care if we live or die. Why do I think everyone is out to get me? Well, because they are.
I keep seeing rainbows everywhere. I'm scared. I'm scared of everything around me. I just want to breathe again but there is only one way out of this thing called life.
That way is ⇓⇓⇓. Not rainbows.
I want to enjoy this silence. But everyone I've ever loved is yelling at me.
Who cares what I think.
I only know how to care about the end. I only know how to care if we live or die. Why do I think everyone is out to get me? Well, because they are.
Thursday, May 23, 2019
3/10/19
2:30
Why does everything make me so damn fucking mad. My head has been screaming at me all day long wanting to yell my thoughts at the people making me mad.
Why does everything make me so damn fucking mad. My head has been screaming at me all day long wanting to yell my thoughts at the people making me mad.
3/9/19
4:02 p.m.
I keep thinking I hear my phone notification for a new text or message. I've been hearing it all day but every time I look at my phone it was just me imagining it or thinking I heard it.
It's like I have a compulsion of anger. I obsess over the things that make me angry.
I don't know why keep hearing it but it's bugging me.
I think I have intermittent explosive disorder. It would explain why my head always feels like it's going to explode from anger.
I obsess over the things that make me angry
I obsess over the things that make me angry
I obsess over the things that make me angry.
I obsess over the things that make me angry.
I obsess over the things that make me angry. I need to learn how to obsess over things that make me happy.
Although maybe I already know how. That's why I get so attached to the things I love. I never want to lose those things but I do. I over-love people until they run away. I scare people. I scare myself. If I knew how to control all my emotions maybe people would think I'm normal. I wish I knew what it feels like to feel normal. To not feel different from everybody. To not be different.
Why can't I stop thinking I am? Why do I have to believe my parents anymore who think I'm different and weird and ugly? I'm not under their chains anymore. I can finally breathe again. Just because there are things about me that are different, does not mean I am different. The way they think of me does not mean I have to think of myself their way. I can be who I want to think that I am. I just don't know how.
I keep thinking I hear my phone notification for a new text or message. I've been hearing it all day but every time I look at my phone it was just me imagining it or thinking I heard it.
It's like I have a compulsion of anger. I obsess over the things that make me angry.
I don't know why keep hearing it but it's bugging me.
I think I have intermittent explosive disorder. It would explain why my head always feels like it's going to explode from anger.
I obsess over the things that make me angry
I obsess over the things that make me angry
I obsess over the things that make me angry.
I obsess over the things that make me angry.
I obsess over the things that make me angry. I need to learn how to obsess over things that make me happy.
Although maybe I already know how. That's why I get so attached to the things I love. I never want to lose those things but I do. I over-love people until they run away. I scare people. I scare myself. If I knew how to control all my emotions maybe people would think I'm normal. I wish I knew what it feels like to feel normal. To not feel different from everybody. To not be different.
Why can't I stop thinking I am? Why do I have to believe my parents anymore who think I'm different and weird and ugly? I'm not under their chains anymore. I can finally breathe again. Just because there are things about me that are different, does not mean I am different. The way they think of me does not mean I have to think of myself their way. I can be who I want to think that I am. I just don't know how.
3/8/19
9:37 p.m.
I hear people behind a closed window. I don't hear what they're saying. I just hear they're having a good time, kind of like a group of people gathered around a campfire telling life stories. I'm not part of it. I hear it but I'm not with anyone- I'm just sitting alone listening to others converse with each other. I don't know how to talk to people like I'm a normal person. I'm not normal.
I hear people behind a closed window. I don't hear what they're saying. I just hear they're having a good time, kind of like a group of people gathered around a campfire telling life stories. I'm not part of it. I hear it but I'm not with anyone- I'm just sitting alone listening to others converse with each other. I don't know how to talk to people like I'm a normal person. I'm not normal.
3/7/19
4:30 p.m.
Why can't everyone stop yelling. It's all I hear inside my head. I wish it would stop. I'm tired of never being talked to; people only raise their voices or yell at me, Now I can't stop hearing all the yelling voices screaming at me in my head. I don't think the screaming will ever go away until I do. I just want silence. I just want to hear someone tell me they love me.
You can't force people to care. Carley is my best friend because I don't have a best friend that's human. I wish someone would listen to the thoughts in my head. My own parent's don't- they just tell me to stop complaining and being so negative all the time. Do I have anywhere left to go? All I hear is negative thoughts. I get frustrated when people complain about my negativity because it's really really hard for me to be happy. It's hard for me to think positive because all I can ever hear is negative. The negative yells at me and it's really loud. My impulse is to always say my first thought out loud. It always tends to be something negative since I can't ever hear the good things. The good things are soft and caring and they're quiet inside my head, because they are so rare.
8:45 p.m.
I don't think I worded that the correct way. My head feels like a tornado. I want everything to stop spinning.
Why can't everyone stop yelling. It's all I hear inside my head. I wish it would stop. I'm tired of never being talked to; people only raise their voices or yell at me, Now I can't stop hearing all the yelling voices screaming at me in my head. I don't think the screaming will ever go away until I do. I just want silence. I just want to hear someone tell me they love me.
You can't force people to care. Carley is my best friend because I don't have a best friend that's human. I wish someone would listen to the thoughts in my head. My own parent's don't- they just tell me to stop complaining and being so negative all the time. Do I have anywhere left to go? All I hear is negative thoughts. I get frustrated when people complain about my negativity because it's really really hard for me to be happy. It's hard for me to think positive because all I can ever hear is negative. The negative yells at me and it's really loud. My impulse is to always say my first thought out loud. It always tends to be something negative since I can't ever hear the good things. The good things are soft and caring and they're quiet inside my head, because they are so rare.
8:45 p.m.
I don't think I worded that the correct way. My head feels like a tornado. I want everything to stop spinning.
3/6/19
9 p.m.
I'm alone again with my thoughts tonight.
11.37 p.m.
I believe I belong up in the sky. That's how you learn to live alone. I don't feel right but it's not wrong.
I'm alone again with my thoughts tonight.
11.37 p.m.
I believe I belong up in the sky. That's how you learn to live alone. I don't feel right but it's not wrong.
3/5/19
10 p.m.
Everyone is telling me to disappear. Everyone says go. Everyone would go on living their lives unaffected.I. am.all.alone.
Everyone is telling me to disappear. Everyone says go. Everyone would go on living their lives unaffected.I. am.all.alone.
Friday, May 17, 2019
Number One Mistake
I've been thinking a lot about my past lately, because I've been noticing that my personality fluctuates a lot in response to stress and triggers in my life. At least once a year I burn almost every bridge of friendship in my life, because I dwell on them and obsess over finally having a friend. I don't want to lose them but it's my own fault that I always do. I care about others too much that it scares them away. It's not normal to become so preoccupied with other people that you lose complete sight of yourself. It's not normal to feel like every day is a battle of life or death of what comes next; waiting for fate to take yet another important person away. They always leave, they always will. It is my own fault. I can't help that I am the way I am- all I can learn how to do is accept it and not let it determine the course of my future. A diagnosis only tells you what goes on in someone's head- it doesn't tell you anything about who they are.
I can't hang myself up on the idea that I'll never be normal. I need to know that it is okay not to be okay.
I need to learn how to love people without scaring them away.
I need to stop listening to every voice in my head and instead try to hear my voice among the babble.
I'm tired of this repeating struggle in my life. Of losing friends and contact with people almost once every year because I go off the deep end. I turn into someone that even I don't know. That personal is brutal and toxic and heartless. That is not who I am and I want to stop letting myself become that. I wish I could fix everything in my life that I've broken. I wish I could say that I'm different now. But will I ever be different? Will I ever stop burning every bridge I've ever walked on?
I want to stop being my own number one mistake. I want to live without mistakes.
I can't hang myself up on the idea that I'll never be normal. I need to know that it is okay not to be okay.
I need to learn how to love people without scaring them away.
I need to stop listening to every voice in my head and instead try to hear my voice among the babble.
I'm tired of this repeating struggle in my life. Of losing friends and contact with people almost once every year because I go off the deep end. I turn into someone that even I don't know. That personal is brutal and toxic and heartless. That is not who I am and I want to stop letting myself become that. I wish I could fix everything in my life that I've broken. I wish I could say that I'm different now. But will I ever be different? Will I ever stop burning every bridge I've ever walked on?
I want to stop being my own number one mistake. I want to live without mistakes.
Sunday, March 24, 2019
dazed and confused
I really hope I can find a job soon so I can start saving to go back to school. I miss having something to do that uses my brain. I feel like spaghetti in a strainer being spun in circles rapidly.
A- anxious
N-nervous
X-Xanax
I-irritable
E-echos
T-trembling
Y-yawning
Around the clock headache. I'm feeling like a deer in the headlights every time I see lights.
A- anxious
N-nervous
X-Xanax
I-irritable
E-echos
T-trembling
Y-yawning
Around the clock headache. I'm feeling like a deer in the headlights every time I see lights.
Migraine thoughts
Is there a reason people aren't listening? Is there any purpose I was born for? I'm just drifting away like sand from everything I love. I don't want to hate the people I love but I've been so angry that it's making me hate everything.
My head hurts. I'm so tired and lost in life from always being alone with my thoughts. I obsess over being angry. I can't wait for summer because I need vitamin D in my life.
My head hurts. I'm so tired and lost in life from always being alone with my thoughts. I obsess over being angry. I can't wait for summer because I need vitamin D in my life.
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