Just know there's someone above here to help you.

You know, usually people's blogs are like their online journals. I definitely don't think a single one of my posts on here would be something you'd find in a locking diary. 

But now that no one gets graded for commenting on classmates' blogs, I'm pretty sure no one even reads this. Especially since I haven't posted on it since forever. So I'm probably going to start writing things on here just to vent or complain or whatever, since no one probably will ever read it. And if they do..... well, hopefully it will never make things awkward.

Summer semester is almost over. So excited. But, finals haven't started yet. And usually, those beasts are worse than the whole semester itself. I hate the testing center. I hate it so much. My heart starts beating fast. I get so nervous I just forget everything before I even sit down. It's so noisy I can't concentrate. I always feel like the proctors walk really slow past me because they suspect I'm cheating. The people who work there talk and laugh obnoxiously loud and it makes me want to punch them. The aisles are so small you always knock things off people's desks when you're walking. And I mostly hate it because it's the testing center, and I fail every single test. Literally. Definitely have only gotten one A in there during the whole year I've been here. And that was on Brother Richardson's test, which didn't really count because he pretty much will give you all the answers if you ask him. 

Uh, I love that man. He is just the greatest teacher of my life. And there's only one class of his I haven't taken yet, and I don't want to take it because of that. He's definitely impacted my life probably more than anyone I've met at this school. It makes me feel really special that I know him, and even more so that he makes time for me in his insane schedule for me. Like, that must mean I'm as important to him as the prophet. And Jeffrey R. Holland. And, that was a complete joke. I think he just knows I love bugging him. Which is true.

Summer semester ending... means I get to go home. I think. As long as I don't get a job I will. Which would also be kinda unfortunate, because I really want that job. The creamery outlet is SO cool. It's gigantic. And they have a whole room devoted to free food. Haha. Pretty cool. At the same time though, I don't want a job that starts at five in the morning, because I'm afraid I would never get up. Like, if I'm tired, really tired, 4 alarms won't even wake me up. Which was proven the other day when I missed class. Again. For like the 6th time this month. I'm tellin ya, I suck at school. And life. Please remind me, if I ever think it's a good idea to take an 8 a.m. class in the summer, it's not.

 I think one of the only thing that's gotten me through semester, besides my dog of course, is music. That's probably true about life actually. Most of the time, I just like listening to music that sounds good. Regardless that the lyrics are probably crap, I like it as long as it sounds good. But when I'm in some sort of mood, mainly a bad or sad one, I like to listen to music for the words and meanings.There's something about listening to depressing music that just relieves sadness by making it worse. It's really unexplainable.

For instance, this song is absolutely great when you feel like crying. I just love it. So much.

But one of my favorite songs is called Briane by Boyce Avenue. The lyrics were running through my head the other day, and I just completely broke down. It made me start to think of my Grandma. Curly Grandma. And I just felt like I could totally imagine her saying the words to me. There's something going on at my house right now, and it is killing me inside. No one has even told me about it, not even my parents, but I still found out. I can't explain the emotions I've been battling with every day. I'm angry. I'm shocked. I'm hurt. I'm confused. I just feel like my whole life's meaning went down the drain. I can't really say exactly what I feel, even though the words I'm thinking won't stop running through my mind. I want to go home so badly. I didn't think it would ever be possible for me to miss home, but I am terribly homesick. But now, I don't know if I want to. It's not home anymore. It will be worse than it's ever been. I don't want to go home and have to face the reality of the situation. I won't be able to handle it. I don't even know how to handle life, especially with this happening. I really just want to go to sleep and never wake up. Ever. I've never felt so alone in my life, and without a home to turn to, I feel like I just have no one. I want to be able to talk to people about it, but I just don't know how. There's nothing in life that I'm worse at than that. And whenever I try, the other person makes it quite clear they really don't want to listen. 

I don't know. Maybe I'm just overreacting, I do tend to do that a lot. But in my perspective, this really isn't a small problem. It will change every memory I've ever had, and it will alter my future drastically. I'm just not ready. I don't understand life, and why it is such a challenge. I mean, it makes it so hard to see the point of it, and to believe in anything. I think I'm definitely just at rock bottom right now. I can't pull myself up though, I need someone to help me. 

Valentines Day is like a broken pencil.... pointless.

As I sit here staring at this blank screen, the only thought occurring in my mind, is that no thoughts are occurring in my mind. How ironic. I'm no expert on love. In fact, I don't know anything about it. So I really take no claims regarding the upcoming statements. They may or may not be accurate. In fact, let's just say none of them are accurate.



Love is like walking in the snow. It's a pleasant thought, until you experience what a pain in the butt it actually is.

The kiss was tender. Like a chicken tender.

Love notes are like notes. With love.

Life is like a box of chocolates. Except, it's like the good kind, where you get to pick which chocolates you want in your box.

Love is just awkward to be around. Like the couple making out on my couch.

I don't know what love is. Just like I don't know how to draw resonance structures.

So much for my only goal in life....

I'm not a fan of making goals. Because usually, I'm just as good at obtaining those goals as I am at keeping New Years resolutions. Which is, lousily to the max. However, one goal I do have in life, is to never get a ticket. And so, trying to come up with these letters, was just depressing. And foreign to me. And they just made me even more certain that getting a ticket is something I never want. 

So.... maybe I should stop speeding.



Anyways, here they are:

Your honor,

                Yesterday I received my 4^th speeding ticket, consequently getting my license revoked. By all means, I am not trying to justify my actions, because I know I am the one at fault. However, I feel some considerations should be accounted for, thereby justifying my actions. Granted my other speeding tickets this month have been due to foolish decisions I’ve made, but yesterday the circumstances were different. My little brother fell off the counter and needed stitches on his head, and I was the only one home able to take him to the hospital. The nearest hospital to my house is at least twenty minutes away. I knew that if I drove over the speed limit to get him there, I would risk being pulled over. But, it was more important to me to get my brother taken care of. As I was pulled over, the cop noticed I was rushing to the hospital, so he followed me there and gave me a ticket once I arrived at the hospital. I am aware that I was speeding, but this was an understandable circumstance. It is my hope that you will take this into consideration, and pardon my error. I haven’t tried to reason or excuse any of my previous tickets, but this time I feel it’s necessary. Thank you for your time.

                                                                                                                              

                Mommy, I really hate to bring you worry while you’re on vacation, but I don’t want to lie to you either. Yesterday when I called you and told you I had to take Adam to the hospital, what I didn’t tell you was that I also received a speeding ticket. It was my fourth one this month, so my license is being taken away. I’m not trying to pretend that I wasn't guilty, because I do have a problem with speeding. You know that better than anyone. However, I did write a letter to the judge in plea of letting me off this time, because of the circumstances. I don’t want you to freak out about this, I’m taking care of it in the best matter I can. Adam is doing well now, and that is all that really matters. It will be an issue if I’m not able to drive anywhere, but there are many worse things that could be happening. Anyways, I just wanted you to be aware of this, so you didn’t find out some other way. I hope you’re having a great time, and I can’t wait for you to get back! I love you!

              Hey guys, here’s the thing. Yesterday, I got a speeding ticket. I know right, what’s new? But the difference is, this time it was the fourth one in a month, so my license is being taken away. I know, it’s ridiculous, but what can I do about it now? I did write to the judge, but who knows if that will change anything. For now, I won’t be able to drive people around anymore, which means we’ll have to start taking the bus to school, along with being extremely bored on the weekends. Eventually I’ll get a license again, but for now…. I’m just not licensed to drive. I know this is going to frustrate you all, but it angers me as well, because I don’t even think I should have gotten a ticket because it wasn't really my fault this time. I was taking my brother to the ER, and with my luck, I should have known I’d pass a cop. So yeah, I got pulled over, and now I don’t have a license. It’s rather unfortunate, and I know this affects you guys too, but hey. Look on the bright side; at least you guys aren't the ones paying for it.

Just pretend there is only one poem here... even though there's not.

Ok, found poems. Here they are.
So, this made me feel like Ellen Hopkins. Who by the way, is probably my favorite author ever.
Also, these are all from conversations I've had with people on Facebook. Which I guess goes to show why I'm such a fan of that fantastic website. 

I think they worked quite well in my opinion....
And, I thought this was incredibly fun. I wouldn't mind more blog posts like these.

Sometimes, people are wrong...

Satan will do whatever he can

To tear you down.

Whether it be through other people

                Or through your own thoughts.

He has no authority over you.

                He cannot receive revelation for you.

Only YOU know what is right for you.

And YOU are the best judge

                On what you can and cannot do.

There may be some validity to his claims, but.

Didn’t people tell Galileo

                That he was wrong?

Didn’t people think Einstein

                Was crazy?

Didn’t people support Hitler

                Killing the Jews?

Didn’t people (and don’t they still) think Joseph Smith

                Was a cuckoo brain?

Just because someone else thinks,

                It doesn’t make it correct.

It’s what YOU feel in YOUR heart.

It’s the confirmation YOU receive,

                When YOU think or pray about it.

Don’t let anyone tell YOU otherwise.

I’m not saying to disregard advice,

                Don’t get me wrong.

But,

                 Don’t take it all as a fact.

Sometimes, people make your day...

I want you to know.

                That you have made a difference.

In my life there have been days.

                A lot of days.

When I come home.

                And feel so low.

I just lay on my floor and cry.

                And then I see.

Laugh hysterically not only.

                You make me feel.

Truly deeply loved.

                You don’t just say you care.

Because it is the right thing to say.

                You really care.

About me.

                And do all you can.

To let me know that.

                That means

So much to me.

Sometimes, people just have a way with words....

Look at praying.

For example,

                What if

                                You had given up?

Think of all the times

                We talked and you said

                                You just couldn’t do it.

What if

                You had continued

                                To tell yourself that?

Or with Provo?

                What if you had let yourself

                                Continue to think that you

                                                Could never get in?

It is at the times

When our trials

 are upon us.

When our gaze is directed

                To the floor.

That we must be strong.

                And lift our head.

Fixating our eyes

                On heaven.

Sometimes, people just know what to say.....

In the long run,

                Our eternal salvation

Is not based      

                                On the grade we get

                                                In chem, or bio, or even Book of Mormon.

It is based

                                On our faithfulness, and our ability

                                                To keep the commandments.

By staying strong,

                In our spiritual life

                                We are prepared

                                                For the things in regular life

                                                                That will bring us down.

If we make sure

                To spend our time

                                Increasing our testimony,

Heavenly Father will

                Magnify our time

                                In all other things.

Trust in Him.
Follow His promptings

                And guidance.

And you,

                Will never make a wrong choice.

Well, this is about as pointless as a white crayon.

That's not actually my viewpoint on peer reviews.

Really, I think they're quite helpful. Personally, I just don't like them. I think the smaller the groups are the better; because when you have a lot of people, everyone's comments just contradict each others, so you're just at a loss of what you should take from it.
I like them, because they help me find errors I'd never find in my papers otherwise.
I don't like them... well, probably mainly just because I'm not a fan of criticism. Even though it's for my benefit.
I will say, I don't mind peer reviews as much in the paper form, compared to the class form. Because in the class form, everyone was just seeming to repeat what they already said on the paper itself.... or maybe that's just me.

But yeah, basically, I think they're kinda like a white crayon. Taken as a whole, they're not the most helpful thing. But when looking at the different purposes they can serve, they can be pretty helpful.

Like, in terms of coloring, white crayons are pretty useless.
But, in terms of art? White crayons are a whole different story.