You know, usually people's blogs are like their online journals. I definitely don't think a single one of my posts on here would be something you'd find in a locking diary.
But now that no one gets graded for commenting on classmates' blogs, I'm pretty sure no one even reads this. Especially since I haven't posted on it since forever. So I'm probably going to start writing things on here just to vent or complain or whatever, since no one probably will ever read it. And if they do..... well, hopefully it will never make things awkward.
Summer semester is almost over. So excited. But, finals haven't started yet. And usually, those beasts are worse than the whole semester itself. I hate the testing center. I hate it so much. My heart starts beating fast. I get so nervous I just forget everything before I even sit down. It's so noisy I can't concentrate. I always feel like the proctors walk really slow past me because they suspect I'm cheating. The people who work there talk and laugh obnoxiously loud and it makes me want to punch them. The aisles are so small you always knock things off people's desks when you're walking. And I mostly hate it because it's the testing center, and I fail every single test. Literally. Definitely have only gotten one A in there during the whole year I've been here. And that was on Brother Richardson's test, which didn't really count because he pretty much will give you all the answers if you ask him.
Uh, I love that man. He is just the greatest teacher of my life. And there's only one class of his I haven't taken yet, and I don't want to take it because of that. He's definitely impacted my life probably more than anyone I've met at this school. It makes me feel really special that I know him, and even more so that he makes time for me in his insane schedule for me. Like, that must mean I'm as important to him as the prophet. And Jeffrey R. Holland. And, that was a complete joke. I think he just knows I love bugging him. Which is true.
Summer semester ending... means I get to go home. I think. As long as I don't get a job I will. Which would also be kinda unfortunate, because I really want that job. The creamery outlet is SO cool. It's gigantic. And they have a whole room devoted to free food. Haha. Pretty cool. At the same time though, I don't want a job that starts at five in the morning, because I'm afraid I would never get up. Like, if I'm tired, really tired, 4 alarms won't even wake me up. Which was proven the other day when I missed class. Again. For like the 6th time this month. I'm tellin ya, I suck at school. And life. Please remind me, if I ever think it's a good idea to take an 8 a.m. class in the summer, it's not.
I think one of the only thing that's gotten me through semester, besides my dog of course, is music. That's probably true about life actually. Most of the time, I just like listening to music that sounds good. Regardless that the lyrics are probably crap, I like it as long as it sounds good. But when I'm in some sort of mood, mainly a bad or sad one, I like to listen to music for the words and meanings.There's something about listening to depressing music that just relieves sadness by making it worse. It's really unexplainable.
But one of my favorite songs is called Briane by Boyce Avenue. The lyrics were running through my head the other day, and I just completely broke down. It made me start to think of my Grandma. Curly Grandma. And I just felt like I could totally imagine her saying the words to me. There's something going on at my house right now, and it is killing me inside. No one has even told me about it, not even my parents, but I still found out. I can't explain the emotions I've been battling with every day. I'm angry. I'm shocked. I'm hurt. I'm confused. I just feel like my whole life's meaning went down the drain. I can't really say exactly what I feel, even though the words I'm thinking won't stop running through my mind. I want to go home so badly. I didn't think it would ever be possible for me to miss home, but I am terribly homesick. But now, I don't know if I want to. It's not home anymore. It will be worse than it's ever been. I don't want to go home and have to face the reality of the situation. I won't be able to handle it. I don't even know how to handle life, especially with this happening. I really just want to go to sleep and never wake up. Ever. I've never felt so alone in my life, and without a home to turn to, I feel like I just have no one. I want to be able to talk to people about it, but I just don't know how. There's nothing in life that I'm worse at than that. And whenever I try, the other person makes it quite clear they really don't want to listen.
I don't know. Maybe I'm just overreacting, I do tend to do that a lot. But in my perspective, this really isn't a small problem. It will change every memory I've ever had, and it will alter my future drastically. I'm just not ready. I don't understand life, and why it is such a challenge. I mean, it makes it so hard to see the point of it, and to believe in anything. I think I'm definitely just at rock bottom right now. I can't pull myself up though, I need someone to help me.
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