5/24/19

6:23 a.m.

I'm crashing into walls.
I'm heading in directions that I should go the opposite of.
Don't go there.
It leads nowhere.
Stop looking for a safe place - build your own.
I'm scared to live for myself. I like living for others.
But most people don't care if I'm alive - so I need to start wanting to be alive for myself.

Maybe I won't get anywhere but I can't ever know if I don't try.

How do I learn to want to be at peace with myself? How can I find solace in my own head? How do I build a shield strong enough to keep people away but weak enough for  good people to break?
How do I invite someone into my life without begging them to not leave?
Does goodbye ever mean see you later?

I'm not desperate for attention, I'm desperate for anyone to ever like what they see.
I'm desperate for someone who ever wants to say hello.

I only know people who want to say goodbye the second they say hello.

5/23/19

8:30 p.m.

This world doesn't make sense.
My head doesn't make sense.
For every 1 good thing there are 300 bad things.
How is that worth anything?
How do some people understand everything and nothing?
How long will it take me to believe I should keep every part of my heart to myself?
How many more people am I going to give a piece of my heart so they can rip it apart?
When will I ever learn?

I wish my head would stop telling me I'm as worthless as people make me feel.
My mouth gets me in trouble all the time because I say things that I should know aren't okay to say.
I don't know what is and what isn't okay. No matter what I say it's likely that it is probably something I shouldn't. It's why I keep my mouth so shut in the world around me, because I don't kike hearing what comes out of my mouth. I have to deal with hearing the fight in my head that won't stop. It's too much for me to handle to have to think so much to shut myself up and not say what is on my mind.
I mess up too much .
Being around a lot of people makes me feel so much more hate towards myself, added on to my initial bad feelings toward myself.

I don't like other people because everyone looks at me weird, and it reminds me how different I am, and it makes me feel like I'm alone.
No one wants to understand people who are different.
No one gives two shits about what I think or feel.
Everyone  pretends to care so that they feel better about themselves. They are actually just treating weird people like they are a charity project. just so they can feel good that they are being recognized as a good person.
That is the only feeling they're after - themselves. 

5/21/19

8 a.m.

Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy eyes from oitnb. I feel like I'm stuck in a bubble that won't pop. Like being the last one to get picked for sports teams - except it's every aspect of my life that I'm the last choice. The last place to everyone.

I can't ever blend in with my surroundings. I'm stuck in a jail cell that I can't get out of - I can't run away from my own mind no matter how much I wish I could.
I hate not drinking because all this noise and terror won't ever stop and it hurts to exist.
I just want my head to be quiet. I'm tired.
The only thing I have to talk to is myself.

I've lost touch with what is real.

11 p.m.

Life doesn't make sense. No one can ever actually know what anyone is ever thinking. Honesty doesn't mean shit. Even when someone claims that they're being completely honest - you can't ever actually know that, only they can.
So how are you ever supposed to actually trust that anyone is ever actually honest.

Words are just words.

I wish my head could just be quiet for once, but the noise never stops. It is like the opposite of white noise - it is consistent noise - but it's not calming or pleasant. It's just my head beating me up for every little thing. I don't know how to make it shut up.
My head is just full of darkness.
I feel like it tells me I deserve this suffering.
Leave me alone.
Stop irritating me.
Everyone is the enemy and everyone wants to hurt me.


I float along a stream of unsaid words.

If this isn't right, does this mean I failed?
I'm suffocated by refusal in my constant search for approval.
I don't want to be a burden.
Everything is temporary.

5/19/19

12 a.m.

I just want to shove myself into a cannon and shoot myself to Jupiter. Time is dragging on so slowly and no one is here.

3 p.m.

The things I say to people are not supposed to leave my mouth. I'm not supposed to tell people what I think or what's on my mind. I need to keep it to myself. I need to think about what I should say and what is okay to say. Don't say things until I've thought about what to say.

I like my job because it keeps my mind busy. If I'm thinking about something else, then I can drown the noise in my head. Sometimes I can't understand the way other people think. But I shouldn't ever say what I think out loud- because no one thinks the same as me.

I need to think about myself, to myself. Don't let others in anymore.


I've forgotten how to keep to myself in the world, because I tried to long to see if I could find a friend.
It's no wonder people get sick of me, I get sick of my own damn self.


I feel like I'm living in my own world because no one is here.

5/18/19

2 a.m.

I  think I've lost control of my mind. Maybe I belong in an insane asylum because at least I would fit in there.
I'm tired of having flashbacks to thing I've said or done that were a mistake, or caused harm or a divide between me and someone else. Why can't I forget?  Why do I have to keep being reminded of my fuck-ups over and over and over again?

I wish I could forget that I'm not normal.
Will I ever be fixable?

I don't know. I don't know if I want to know. Chances are I probably can't change myself in the first place.

7 a.m.

How do I learn to not care about other people's thoughts?

5/15/19

9 p.m.

It's ironic how the people I would like most to forget about and never have pass through my mind ever again, are probably who I think about the most every day. 

I wish I would have ever been taught how to move on.

No one told me what to do with this pain that I started carrying in my early childhood. 

No one ever told me it's okay to hurt.

I feel like I'm a bad person for not being able to let things go.

I'm sick of hearing people say things that I don't want to hear. I'm sick of the thoughts that come from thinking about the things that people said. I don't want to believe them. But they won't go away. 

I can't stop thinking of things that I don't want to think about. These thoughts hurt me and I wish I could stop hearing them. It is the only noise I ever hear anymore. 

It has to be true.

What they say in my head has to be true. 

Otherwise I beat myself up for believing what I hear. I beat myself up because I believed someone's thoughts, and ignored my own.

Pain makes their voices the loudest.

I need to start finding my own thoughts

I need to stop caring how other people think of me. 

What they say wouldn't matter if I could stop listening to it, because I would start to feel better about myself. 

It is just so hard to know what is real or what's not.

It is easier to just believe what other people think instead of trying to hear my thoughts. 

I wish my brain had an off button, because my brain feels like it's going to explode from listening to what I think.

I wish I could think about something else.

I wish I could hear something else.

I wish I had control of what I think about.

5/9/19

10 p.m.


I feel like I don't belong anywhere.
I feel like I was adopted.
I feel like I'm the ugly duckling.
I feel like I am the subject of rude conversations.
I feel like I'm holding a "don't look back" sign to every person that has ever looked in my direction.
I feel like the only person I ever mattered to, is the one who isn't here anymore.
I miss you. Why did you get taken away so early? Why didn't I get more time with you?

Forever isn't true. But her love was infinite.

All I'll ever feel is guilty. If someone's absence doesn't bother you, then your presence never mattered to them in the first place.

I like dogs because they communicate without using words. They can't say one thing that means something else.

5/6/19

The silence in my head gets louder every day. I feel like I'm drowning and nobody in my life gives a fuck whether I ever breathe again or not.

5/5/19

I feel like my head is running in circles and circles and I'm just looking for a place to stop. But there is nowhere. I can't find somewhere to stop. The questions won't stop. The thoughts won't stop. The worrying won't stop.
I just wish I knew what silence was.
I wish I could just breathe.
How am I supposed to breathe when my head won't stop racing and looking for any possible exit?
How do I stop feeling like this?
I just want it all to go away.
I wish I could look away.
I wish I could stop wanting what hurts.
I wish I knew how to distance myself from pain.
I wish everything would just go away.
I want everything to stop.
My thoughts aren't good for anything but hurting me.
How do I look away?
How do I keep looking forward without looking back

Just make it stop. 
Just go away.
There is nothing here for me. I just wish I could forget about everything that hurts. I just wish I could stop feeling. I just want to feel alive.
What does that feel like?

4/27/19

 I just want out of this cage I feel trapped in.

4/26/19

2 p.m.

I think it's natural to be preoccupied with death when you lose someone close. It's all I can ever seem to think about. Everything in this world comes to an end. Especially love.
Love is not reciprocal. You can't ever expect love in return, no matter how much you wish you could. People don't love others, they love the concept of them. They love them for who they are in their eyes, not for who they really are.
I just don't care about anything in this world anymore. I'm tired of begging people to be part of my life. I wouldn't have to beg if anyone actually wanted to be.
Nothing really matters anymore.
Everything I love in this world comes to an end.

4/20/19

I just looked at my profile picture on Facebook of me with Carley and Tico and I lost it. All the pain came back again. He's gone. He is not in this world anymore. I'm never going to ever have more pictures to take of him. I miss his face and his paws and holding him upside down until he sneezes.
I'm glad he left this world while in my arms, but at the same time it's hard to have the memory of that being the last time I ever did hold him.

He can't come back no matter how many tears I cry. I will never kiss his face again no matter if I look through so many pictures of him that I forget he's not here. He will never be there to say hi when I walk through the door. I will never wake up to him curled up like a ball sleeping by me feet. I can't ever wrap food in a napkin to bring home for him again. He will never be here anymore to lick the tears off my face.
 I don't know what I would do without Carley.
She is all that I have had this week. Losing him feels like my heart went with him. I don't know how to miss him without hurting. I want to remember him and be happy that I had the time with him that I did. I don't want him to disappear.

I just want to fall asleep in a black hole and never wake up. I wish I could disappear forever like everything else in this world does. People say happiness is a choice, but how do I choose to stop hurting? If people are there for me, then where the fuck are they? How do I look for the light when everything around me just keeps getting darker? At least dogs make better friends than people. At least I can go to sleep tonight knowing that Carley loves and cares about me.

4/15/19

Everything I love dies.

Tico got put down today. No one in my family was home - it was just me and Tico. No one wanted or could handle being there. I know that I would never live with myself if I wasn't with him when he died. I was scared he would die alone in his sleep or something.
I have handled it better than I thought I would. Being there with him, holding him as he died, was one of the most heartbreaking and traumatic things I've ever experienced.
I didn't want to sob while I held him. I didn't want him to get scared that I was scared. I still haven't stopped trembling.I watched him fall asleep and I felt him stop breathing. All the sudden 15 years of my life ended. He's gone.

The worst part was standing up afterwards while still holding him. I had no idea his body and bones would be so limp- he was like a beanie baby filled with sand. It scared me. I didn't want to let go of him. I laid him on the table and slid him into a cardboard box and closed it. Gravity pulled my heart to my feet as I carried that box up to the hole that was dug in the backyard. I finally broke down in tears when I put the box in the ground, it finally seemed real and that he's never coming back. Covering the box with dirt felt like I was inside that box too because he took a part of my heart with him. My heart will always be with him. I know he's in a better place. I know it was his time.

My heart is still broken though because death has taken yet another thing away from me. My heart is the gift that never stops giving. At least some hold on to my heart until their life ends.
I'm tired of loving anything. Everything I love dies.

I was glad that I did this all alone though. It meant I had strength to be with him to the end. He needed someone to be with him because he was scared of living. He has been there for everyone else his whole life and this was when he needed someone there for him. No one else could handle watching him die. I handled it because I loved him enough to stay with him up to his last moment- no matter how scared we both were. It will always hurt to remember him taking his last breath but I think the strength it took to go through this alone has brought me some closure. His body was what I covered with dirt, but his heart will always be in my heart. I can't hold him in my arms anymore, but I feel like I still can when I think about him.

I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm empty. I miss him
But, I'm not sobbing like others are. I don't feel like the world ended. I think that's what he would have wanted -- to know that I could still be happy without him. I am so glad I have Carley to comfort me, because she knows I need her. She hasn't left my side all day
I'm trying to be okay. I'm trying.
That's all I can do.
At least I had strength that others didn't.
I just have an empty void inside of me and I don't want him to disappear.

4/14/19

At least when it gets to it's worst - it has to start getting better.
I have plenty more room to start going up because I don't have much left to fall down.

4/12/19

5 p.m.

I'm not ready to lose Tico, but I know that it is his time - he is absolutely miserable.
Carley has taken up my entire heart and will be my rock while I mourn the loss of Tico.
.
I'm tired of fake love; it's all just pretend.
I just want to be wrapped up and thrown into the bottom of the ocean.
No one is lonely without me.
I'll never be that to anyone.
I'll never receive the kind of love that I give.
Do you know what it feels like to have to beg people to spend time with you?
I've never known anything else.
The more I distance myself the more I see how little I mean to people.
My heart feels locked inside of a box that I've lost the key to, and I have no one who will help me try to find it.

4/8/19

11 a.m.

I had a nightmare that Tico died. He collapsed in the hallway and my sister found him. I couldn't breathe. But about an hour later  I saw him running down the hallway because somehow he came back to life. I had another nightmare about living at home and my mom yelling and screaming at me. She can't stand me and how different I was and she was saying so many mean things to me. It felt real because of how many times it did happen growing up. I had a meltdown because I couldn't find my headphones to stop listening to the nightmare in my head. I've been awake since 1 a.m. because I couldn't fall back asleep after waking up from these nightmares.

I wish I knew how to stop feeling like I am the way people treat me as I am. Even though I know better, I don't know how to convince myself that I'm better than the awful person people think I am. I can't take anything back that I said. I'm just scaring away every damn person that matters to me. The sun in my life goes away as soon as the rain cloud in my head feels like it is starting to go away. The clouds will never be what goes away, only the sun. I'm back in a thunderstorm again. Why do people say the storm will pass? Sure it goes away, but it always comes back.

4/4/19

7:11 p.m.

I'm slowly starting to feel less weighed down by my life and this world.  I wish doing the right thing didn't feel so wrong. I just want closure with the things that give me anxiety.
I'm slowly trying to learn how to change my thoughts.
 I just wish my thoughts would stop racing so much. Because every time I try to change one bad thought, a bad thought comes up in my head right after that. I feel like my brain is playing a 360 degree version of tug-of-war because every side of my head is being pulled at.

3/28/19

12 p.m.
I blacked out last night and I regret it, but at the same time I don't.

3/27/19

1:00 a.m.

I just want to know who somebody is when I'm not looking. I want to learn about someone because normal is everything I'm not. Even I would not want to learn about who I am.
I want to care about somebody because I  don't even care about myself.
At the same time though, I wish someone cared about me.
I hope I start working soon.

8 p.m.

I feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be right now and things are starting to fall into place.
Like I was falling down a deep pit and I chose the strongest ledge to hold on to.
It's not that I failed my plans, my plans failed me.

11:23 p.m.

I drank too much too fast and I feel like I need to puke. But it makes me stop feeling so on edge about everything in my life that I'm nervous about.

3/23/19

5 p.m.

Back to December

I'm glad I'm away from the person who aggravated my mental health. But so far it has done nothing but make me miss my friends. 

The last time I saw most of them is still burned in the back of my mind.

I'd go back in time and change it but I can't. 

 I need to stop thinking what other people think of me. If someone doesn't like me it's their problem not mine. 

6 p.m.

The sun is blinding. It hurts to look up.