5/21/19

8 a.m.

Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy eyes from oitnb. I feel like I'm stuck in a bubble that won't pop. Like being the last one to get picked for sports teams - except it's every aspect of my life that I'm the last choice. The last place to everyone.

I can't ever blend in with my surroundings. I'm stuck in a jail cell that I can't get out of - I can't run away from my own mind no matter how much I wish I could.
I hate not drinking because all this noise and terror won't ever stop and it hurts to exist.
I just want my head to be quiet. I'm tired.
The only thing I have to talk to is myself.

I've lost touch with what is real.

11 p.m.

Life doesn't make sense. No one can ever actually know what anyone is ever thinking. Honesty doesn't mean shit. Even when someone claims that they're being completely honest - you can't ever actually know that, only they can.
So how are you ever supposed to actually trust that anyone is ever actually honest.

Words are just words.

I wish my head could just be quiet for once, but the noise never stops. It is like the opposite of white noise - it is consistent noise - but it's not calming or pleasant. It's just my head beating me up for every little thing. I don't know how to make it shut up.
My head is just full of darkness.
I feel like it tells me I deserve this suffering.
Leave me alone.
Stop irritating me.
Everyone is the enemy and everyone wants to hurt me.


I float along a stream of unsaid words.

If this isn't right, does this mean I failed?
I'm suffocated by refusal in my constant search for approval.
I don't want to be a burden.
Everything is temporary.