You sometimes think you want to disappear, but all you really want is to be found.

Man. This has been such a long semester. Out of every semester I’ve been here… this one tops them all based on suckiness. Not a real word, I know. Still applicable though. But whatever. I don’t particularly feel like talking about that at the moment. Let alone if I ever will because of certain annoying people in my life.

Ugh.

So I actually finished my major application in time! Holy moly, that thing was intense. If I had to guess how many hours altogether it took to complete that, I would say somewhere around like 80 hours at least. It was pretty rough. But now that I’m in the middle of writing a 20 page paper for one of my classes, I feel like maybe that was actually nothing.

I did indeed go through with the hot dog story video for my application though. And I think you should go watch it. Here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3xfS7wUNBI

Or don’t, that’s cool too. Actually that’s not cool. Go watch it.

Change of subject.

I’ve had some pretty crazy things going on in life lately.

I’ve met some pretty cool people. Like Jeffrey R. Holland. And Al Fox. Well, I guess “meet” isn’t really the correct word, because those occurrences both lasted for like less than a minute. But they both still had an impact on me nonetheless.

And can I just take a minute here and say what a fantastic person Al Fox is? I mean, I’ve seen all her Youtube videos and everything. I really admired her before I ever even heard her speak. But all she was to me was someone on Youtube. I didn’t know her as a person. Ok, I still don’t know her. But just something about being in the same room as her completely put me at awe. Not only was she so much more real, but instead of just seeing her happy in a video, I could see and feel how happy she was in person. Ever since then I’ve just looked up to her so much more. It’s kind of just hard to explain how that night impacted me. I feel like I just came to know a part of her that you can’t get from her videos. In person she is just so much more incredible. What I would give to be friends with someone like her. Or actually her. That would be better. 

Ok. I’ll stop with that tangent. What I’m mainly writing for is just to vent. There is something I’d like to write about here, but I don’t think I’m ready to yet. For now, I’ll just leave it the fact that my life has been quite a struggle lately. And lately I have been so much lonelier than usual. Maybe it’s because I’m a lot more depressed than usual, I don’t know. But it feels awful. I won’t try to explain how it feels. That would basically be like trying to explain to someone what sugar tastes like, if that someone has never tasted sugar before. But, I will just put two quotes here really quick that I think kinda portray some of how I feel:

• Sometimes we need someone to simply be there…not to fix anything or do anything in particular, but just to let us feel we are supported and cared about.
• You sometimes think you want to disappear, but all you really want is to be found.

That second one especially. I just feel like I’m worthless right now, I can’t explain how much. Like, why am I even on this earth, I don’t have anything to offer. Or sometimes people make me feel so completely meaningless, that I don’t just become completely empty of worth, but I really just wish that I could just not exist. Just be in a place where people couldn’t see or judge me. Somewhere where I don’t feel unimportant to everyone. But maybe that is just because I haven’t been “found”. No, I’m not talking about love. I’m talking about someone who doesn’t make me feel worthless. Someone who doesn’t dehumanize me. Someone who doesn’t put me at the bottom of their list for everything. Someone who actually cares about my life, and will help me see meaning.
I do want someone to find me. To save me from this place of my life that I’m in right now. To show me that this world isn’t as terrible as it makes me feel. To just be there.