Higher Ground.

Pretty much this is just something I wrote for a scholarship application.... It had a word limit otherwise I probably would have said more. This isn't everything about me. It's a large part of why life is such a struggle for me, but it is not even a fraction of what I do deal with. I'm basically just posting it on here because it's about my life.... and therefore relevant to my blog. And no one will ever see it anyway....

"I may not have a physical disability, and I won’t even try to pretend I know how hard it would be to live with one. I could write about how I struggle financially, but what college student doesn’t? I don’t want the purpose of this to be comparing myself to someone else, because everyone has their own trials in life.
            What I would like to write about is what I find difficult regarding life. The disabilities I have are all emotional, and unless you’ve experienced what I go through, it is impossible for anyone to understand what actually goes on inside my head. Whenever I try to talk to anyone about it or ask someone for help, they always tell me that I just need to stop being so negative about everything, and that it’s my own fault I’m never happy. When I hear these things, not only do I lose trust in trying to confide in anyone, but what they say just eats away at me mentally. I start thinking maybe it is my fault, maybe I am the one who makes myself so miserable, maybe I am the only one to blame. It’s not fair to think those things, because it isn’t my fault. I did not “give myself” depression or any of the other things I deal with.
When I feel like I have no one to talk to, I tend to just bottle everything up inside me in hopes it will just go away.  There always comes a point where it all overflows and I just break down. It is a never-ending cycle I fear I will never escape. I can’t explain what it feels like, but I saw a quote once that said “it feels like drowning, except you can see everyone else breathing”. It makes it hard for me to find motivation to do anything; getting out of bed is the hardest thing I face every day. As I’m saying all of this, I’m scared I’ll just be looked at as a pathetic person who will never get anywhere in life, because I feel that’s what most people do think of me. But most people who view me that way don’t know what I deal with, they don’t know what I’m going through, and they don’t know how I give everything I have to just not give up on everything.
All I can say is that I try. I try to do my best in school. I try to give my all at work. I try to give the world something good to think about me. I try not to give up, I’m trying to graduate. I’m trying to make it through life. Although that may never be enough, all I can do is keep trying. "