5/24/19

6:23 a.m.

I'm crashing into walls.
I'm heading in directions that I should go the opposite of.
Don't go there.
It leads nowhere.
Stop looking for a safe place - build your own.
I'm scared to live for myself. I like living for others.
But most people don't care if I'm alive - so I need to start wanting to be alive for myself.

Maybe I won't get anywhere but I can't ever know if I don't try.

How do I learn to want to be at peace with myself? How can I find solace in my own head? How do I build a shield strong enough to keep people away but weak enough for  good people to break?
How do I invite someone into my life without begging them to not leave?
Does goodbye ever mean see you later?

I'm not desperate for attention, I'm desperate for anyone to ever like what they see.
I'm desperate for someone who ever wants to say hello.

I only know people who want to say goodbye the second they say hello.

5/23/19

8:30 p.m.

This world doesn't make sense.
My head doesn't make sense.
For every 1 good thing there are 300 bad things.
How is that worth anything?
How do some people understand everything and nothing?
How long will it take me to believe I should keep every part of my heart to myself?
How many more people am I going to give a piece of my heart so they can rip it apart?
When will I ever learn?

I wish my head would stop telling me I'm as worthless as people make me feel.
My mouth gets me in trouble all the time because I say things that I should know aren't okay to say.
I don't know what is and what isn't okay. No matter what I say it's likely that it is probably something I shouldn't. It's why I keep my mouth so shut in the world around me, because I don't kike hearing what comes out of my mouth. I have to deal with hearing the fight in my head that won't stop. It's too much for me to handle to have to think so much to shut myself up and not say what is on my mind.
I mess up too much .
Being around a lot of people makes me feel so much more hate towards myself, added on to my initial bad feelings toward myself.

I don't like other people because everyone looks at me weird, and it reminds me how different I am, and it makes me feel like I'm alone.
No one wants to understand people who are different.
No one gives two shits about what I think or feel.
Everyone  pretends to care so that they feel better about themselves. They are actually just treating weird people like they are a charity project. just so they can feel good that they are being recognized as a good person.
That is the only feeling they're after - themselves. 

5/21/19

8 a.m.

Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy eyes from oitnb. I feel like I'm stuck in a bubble that won't pop. Like being the last one to get picked for sports teams - except it's every aspect of my life that I'm the last choice. The last place to everyone.

I can't ever blend in with my surroundings. I'm stuck in a jail cell that I can't get out of - I can't run away from my own mind no matter how much I wish I could.
I hate not drinking because all this noise and terror won't ever stop and it hurts to exist.
I just want my head to be quiet. I'm tired.
The only thing I have to talk to is myself.

I've lost touch with what is real.

11 p.m.

Life doesn't make sense. No one can ever actually know what anyone is ever thinking. Honesty doesn't mean shit. Even when someone claims that they're being completely honest - you can't ever actually know that, only they can.
So how are you ever supposed to actually trust that anyone is ever actually honest.

Words are just words.

I wish my head could just be quiet for once, but the noise never stops. It is like the opposite of white noise - it is consistent noise - but it's not calming or pleasant. It's just my head beating me up for every little thing. I don't know how to make it shut up.
My head is just full of darkness.
I feel like it tells me I deserve this suffering.
Leave me alone.
Stop irritating me.
Everyone is the enemy and everyone wants to hurt me.


I float along a stream of unsaid words.

If this isn't right, does this mean I failed?
I'm suffocated by refusal in my constant search for approval.
I don't want to be a burden.
Everything is temporary.

5/19/19

12 a.m.

I just want to shove myself into a cannon and shoot myself to Jupiter. Time is dragging on so slowly and no one is here.

3 p.m.

The things I say to people are not supposed to leave my mouth. I'm not supposed to tell people what I think or what's on my mind. I need to keep it to myself. I need to think about what I should say and what is okay to say. Don't say things until I've thought about what to say.

I like my job because it keeps my mind busy. If I'm thinking about something else, then I can drown the noise in my head. Sometimes I can't understand the way other people think. But I shouldn't ever say what I think out loud- because no one thinks the same as me.

I need to think about myself, to myself. Don't let others in anymore.


I've forgotten how to keep to myself in the world, because I tried to long to see if I could find a friend.
It's no wonder people get sick of me, I get sick of my own damn self.


I feel like I'm living in my own world because no one is here.

5/18/19

2 a.m.

I  think I've lost control of my mind. Maybe I belong in an insane asylum because at least I would fit in there.
I'm tired of having flashbacks to thing I've said or done that were a mistake, or caused harm or a divide between me and someone else. Why can't I forget?  Why do I have to keep being reminded of my fuck-ups over and over and over again?

I wish I could forget that I'm not normal.
Will I ever be fixable?

I don't know. I don't know if I want to know. Chances are I probably can't change myself in the first place.

7 a.m.

How do I learn to not care about other people's thoughts?