Everyone has somewhere to go.

Just sitting here wondering what on earth I'm doing with my life.
My dog is just laying next to me snoring away all his nonexistent cares of the world.
Sometimes I wonder why I can't just be a dog.

Life is a joke. All the time.

It seems like everyone in my life is just jumping over cliffs and climbing mountains, while I'm just over here wondering what the purpose of even trying is. And really, this has how it's been my whole life, this unbearable difference between me and everyone around me.

I was never one of those energetic children that laughs and giggles at everything. I don't think there has ever been anything in my life that has made me shriek with excitement. The only thing I remember about preschool is what a nightmare it was to have my picture taken in front of other people; and how all I ever did was sit alone while everyone else was gathered in groups.

As long ago as my childhood was, I feel like I'm still that same exact person. I can't even try to put into words what I mean by that. When I was little, my mother would always go and explain to other adults why I was so different, why I would not look anyone in the eye, and why I wouldn't talk to anyone. I guess when you're that young, the only word for it is being shy.

Usually people tend to grow out of that though. Now I'm at this awkward age where you can't really just call it "shy" anymore. Now I'm in college, and I don't have a mother going up to every last person I come in contact with, explaining why I seem so weird. I almost wish I did though, because quite frankly, people don't understand. I hate even being at school because of that.

Today I was just sitting at a table studying for a test, and so many people, usually girls, would just walk past me and turn around and give me this look. It was always the same look, this look telling me I'm a freak, and all the judgement in their facial expressions was just piercing. Whether it's the people who stare at me when I walk past them, or turn around and look at me after they pass me, it's all the same. And today all of that just really got to me and hurt me a lot.

I know I'm weird. I don't like that I am; I hate who I am with every ounce of my being. A day in my life has never passed by when I haven't wished that I could just be normal. Whenever I am around other people, all my mind does is scream at me for being so weird. What I'm scared of is that this will never change. I will never just wake up one day and be able to have a normal conversation with someone. Making eye contact with people is never going to be easy for me. And I will never stop longing to know what it's like to be like everyone else.

I know I'm a hard person to put up with, so people just stop trying after a while. I don't blame them, I hate myself too. But there is this overwhelming emptiness totally consuming my life because of that.. I'm not sure I will ever meet a single person in life who is patient enough to put up with me longer than is convenient for them. It seems like there is just this permanent void in my chest where nothing will ever fit. I will never know what it feels like to be someone's first choice; I am never anything but everyone's last choice. I never know who to even talk to or ask for help because I feel like I just bug everyone and bother people just by being alive. I wish there was a way to actually describe how empty and lonely I am, but it is an indescribable feeling that does nothing but destroy me. I will never important enough to anyone, and I don't think the world would be a different place at all if I wasn't here. No one actually cares, they just pretend they do. It is the loneliest feeling in the world to be surrounded by so many people telling you they love you, but not a single person showing they do. I don't know people are supposed to love me when I hate myself, and I don't know how I'm supposed to love myself when everyone hates me.

It is that feeling of loneliness that causes me to wander aimlessly in life. I don't know what I should be striving for or what I should be doing, because I have become completely numb. Everything just seems as pointless as worthless as I am, and I am running out of reasons to even keep trying. Nothing in life seems to actually matter, and life is just way longer and drawn out than I feel it even should be. Maybe someday I'll figure things out and find out what the worth is in living. Maybe someday.


There's this yellow bear that I have been in love with my whole life, and one of the songs he sings has more relatable words in it than anything I've ever heard.
Please just do my soul a favor and listen to it. k thnx.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=op0C-iUrBtw

For the time being all life is to me is miserable and everything hurts a lot. This isn't just me 'feeling down'. This is real pain, this is hurt that makes you cringe. It's not that I don't want to feel better, it's that I physically can't. It's one of those moments when you just feel lost. I don't know that I am lost, because to be lost you have to know where it is you're supposed to be, and I don't even know that. Maybe there isn't  word for what I am or for what I'm feeling. I don't remember what it's like to find meaning in anything. Everything around me is falling apart, and I don't know what to do but just sit here and watch it happen. I think I'm at the lowest point in my life that I've ever been, and the only thing I find comfort in is things I know are wrong. My soul has become consumed by this inescapable darkness. I don't even know what happiness feels like anymore, because I don't even remember the last time I was honestly happy. Just like I can't wake up one morning and suddenly be normal, I can't just wake up one morning and decide to be happy. It doesn't work that way. I can't be happy because I'm not happy. The only people I've ever met who understand what I feel are those who know what I feel.. All I know is that I hate this place that I'm in. I hate what I'm doing with my life, and I hate this misery.

I hurt too much. I cry too much. I think too much. Life is just too much.

Go ahead, tell me I'm being ridiculous. But I can't hide the way I feel when it is the only thing I feel. And I can't pretend I'm not in pain when everything hurts.