There's a first time for everything.

I don't know if it's the fact that I have a cold or just didn't want to do my homework, but I actually watched a session of General Conference today. You see, that is impressive because,

1. I was actually awake instead of sleeping in until 6 at night, and 

2. Watching conference isn't something I tend to do unless I'm being forced to.

But let me back up.

I don't know of a single aspect in my life that I don't struggle with. As I've gotten older and my depression has gotten worse, I've lost interest in a lot of things that used to be the highlight of my life. Church is one of those things. When I was younger that used to be the only thing that mattered to me, and everything I did or didn't do was because of what I believed.

When your life becomes filled with so much pain that all you can do is hope you'll even make it to the next day, it's immensely impossible to care about something that puts so much focus on the eternal perspective of life. I'm not bashing that belief or ridiculing anything the church stands for, but for me that stuff just doesn't matter anymore. What matters to me is getting through every day without breaking down, and trying to find a reason to even be here. It is hard to find any meaning in a lot of what the church teaches, and the whole concept of it has just lost its importance to me as a whole.

I don't really know where I stand with the church. I don't know if it's that I don't have a testimony, or if I just don't want to have one. Either way, I know I stopped trying though. I gave up trying to always do the right thing, because it was just too exhausting when I never felt anything from it. The mormon stereotype at BYU overwhelms me, because I know that if I ever do come to know anything for myself, I'll still be nowhere near the type of mormon that everyone here is. It's just extremely hard to be around so many people who think they are a terrible person when they go a week without going to the temple, or forget to say their prayers one night. I feel like the majority of people at this school just don't understand what it's like to be different. I don't like going to church, because I don't fit in there. The things I need help with in life are so different than what others need. My mind just becomes trampled by how easily happiness and faith comes to everyone else, and I never leave feeling uplifted.

So many of my family members have fallen away from the church, and it's really hard to just ignore that. People I once looked up to as an example of doing what's right no longer have anything to do with the church, and it's really hard to just ignore that and see past it. It is the hardest thing to keep trying to find faith, or keep relying on God, when the people who once taught me to do so are the ones who gave up.

The gospel just doesn't make me happy like it does everyone else. I don't have that passion for going to church every week, or listening to conference, or reading scriptures, like every member of this church seems to have. I don't know if the reason for that is as simple as because it doesn't make me happy. I don't know. For me, it is so much harder to do any that stuff, because it just all seems so empty. Maybe my problem is that I don't want it to be true or make me happy. Maybe I'm just too depressed for any of it to resonate inside of me. Or maybe I just feel like I don't deserve any of the blessings the church offers because I'm too screwed up. I don't know. The only thing I know is that I feel nothing from trying.

I think that deep down inside of me I believe God exists, or at least I want him to. I think I like the idea of it, the idea of the never-ending and encompassing love he's supposed to offer. The fact of the matter though is that I honestly have no idea if he is there or not. I don't understand how it is possible to feel this alone and unloved if there is a God. It is absolutely beyond me.

There's never a day of my life that goes by where loneliness doesn't consume me. I'd be lying if I said that it wasn't the most prominent feeling in my life. My dog is the only thing in this world that gives me a reason to exist, because he relies on me to take care of him. He is the only living thing who makes me feel like my existence actually matters. Every single night my roommates are always gone, so every night I'm just alone. My dog is the only thing that's ever there for me, and I honestly wonder if I'd still be alive if I didn't have him, because without him I would be completely alone.

He is just a dog though, and he can't really make every lonely feeling I feel just go away. Sometimes it drives me to insanity and really makes me wonder why I was even put on this planet. If I am alone every single night of my life, then how can anyone have room to tell me that my existence matters to them, when they do nothing to make me feel that it does.

Last night was an example of a bad night. Every single thought and feeling that was being built up inside just hit me all at once, and the only thing I could do about it was lay on my floor and cry until I felt numb.

I don't really know what actually made me watch a session of conference today, but the feelings that ran through me when Elder Holland said that he was speaking specifically about depression, I just can't even describe it. One of the few things in this church that I haven't given up on, are the testimonies of the people like that man. Sometimes the thought goes through my head that God just isn't capable of loving people with depression, and maybe that's why he doesn't seem to exist in my life. Something that just really hit me was knowing that I'm not loved only by God, but by understanding church leaders as well.

Out of all the things in life that I don't know, something I do know is this. When I was laying on my floor last night crying my soul out, if God existed I was begging him to take my life away and just let me die. I was exhaustively expressing how worthless I was and how much my life didn't matter. I was terrifyingly alone, and all I wanted was to stop existing.

I wasn't praying, but the prayers I wasn't saying were answered. When I was listening to that talk today, I just couldn't even comprehend how it was possible that this was the subject of his talk. His talk didn't cure anything about me, it didn't just suddenly give me a testimony, but it let me know that he understands and that there's a place in his heart for people consumed with this darkness. He understands that depression is a literal living hell and that people can't just snap out of it by "changing the way they think". He brought light to a very dark subject, and let people like me know that not only God loves us, but he loves us. And I can't help but think that the love I felt through him came from God.

In the 20 years that I've been alive, no conference talk has ever made me cry until today.

Everyone has somewhere to go.

Just sitting here wondering what on earth I'm doing with my life.
My dog is just laying next to me snoring away all his nonexistent cares of the world.
Sometimes I wonder why I can't just be a dog.

Life is a joke. All the time.

It seems like everyone in my life is just jumping over cliffs and climbing mountains, while I'm just over here wondering what the purpose of even trying is. And really, this has how it's been my whole life, this unbearable difference between me and everyone around me.

I was never one of those energetic children that laughs and giggles at everything. I don't think there has ever been anything in my life that has made me shriek with excitement. The only thing I remember about preschool is what a nightmare it was to have my picture taken in front of other people; and how all I ever did was sit alone while everyone else was gathered in groups.

As long ago as my childhood was, I feel like I'm still that same exact person. I can't even try to put into words what I mean by that. When I was little, my mother would always go and explain to other adults why I was so different, why I would not look anyone in the eye, and why I wouldn't talk to anyone. I guess when you're that young, the only word for it is being shy.

Usually people tend to grow out of that though. Now I'm at this awkward age where you can't really just call it "shy" anymore. Now I'm in college, and I don't have a mother going up to every last person I come in contact with, explaining why I seem so weird. I almost wish I did though, because quite frankly, people don't understand. I hate even being at school because of that.

Today I was just sitting at a table studying for a test, and so many people, usually girls, would just walk past me and turn around and give me this look. It was always the same look, this look telling me I'm a freak, and all the judgement in their facial expressions was just piercing. Whether it's the people who stare at me when I walk past them, or turn around and look at me after they pass me, it's all the same. And today all of that just really got to me and hurt me a lot.

I know I'm weird. I don't like that I am; I hate who I am with every ounce of my being. A day in my life has never passed by when I haven't wished that I could just be normal. Whenever I am around other people, all my mind does is scream at me for being so weird. What I'm scared of is that this will never change. I will never just wake up one day and be able to have a normal conversation with someone. Making eye contact with people is never going to be easy for me. And I will never stop longing to know what it's like to be like everyone else.

I know I'm a hard person to put up with, so people just stop trying after a while. I don't blame them, I hate myself too. But there is this overwhelming emptiness totally consuming my life because of that.. I'm not sure I will ever meet a single person in life who is patient enough to put up with me longer than is convenient for them. It seems like there is just this permanent void in my chest where nothing will ever fit. I will never know what it feels like to be someone's first choice; I am never anything but everyone's last choice. I never know who to even talk to or ask for help because I feel like I just bug everyone and bother people just by being alive. I wish there was a way to actually describe how empty and lonely I am, but it is an indescribable feeling that does nothing but destroy me. I will never important enough to anyone, and I don't think the world would be a different place at all if I wasn't here. No one actually cares, they just pretend they do. It is the loneliest feeling in the world to be surrounded by so many people telling you they love you, but not a single person showing they do. I don't know people are supposed to love me when I hate myself, and I don't know how I'm supposed to love myself when everyone hates me.

It is that feeling of loneliness that causes me to wander aimlessly in life. I don't know what I should be striving for or what I should be doing, because I have become completely numb. Everything just seems as pointless as worthless as I am, and I am running out of reasons to even keep trying. Nothing in life seems to actually matter, and life is just way longer and drawn out than I feel it even should be. Maybe someday I'll figure things out and find out what the worth is in living. Maybe someday.


There's this yellow bear that I have been in love with my whole life, and one of the songs he sings has more relatable words in it than anything I've ever heard.
Please just do my soul a favor and listen to it. k thnx.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=op0C-iUrBtw

For the time being all life is to me is miserable and everything hurts a lot. This isn't just me 'feeling down'. This is real pain, this is hurt that makes you cringe. It's not that I don't want to feel better, it's that I physically can't. It's one of those moments when you just feel lost. I don't know that I am lost, because to be lost you have to know where it is you're supposed to be, and I don't even know that. Maybe there isn't  word for what I am or for what I'm feeling. I don't remember what it's like to find meaning in anything. Everything around me is falling apart, and I don't know what to do but just sit here and watch it happen. I think I'm at the lowest point in my life that I've ever been, and the only thing I find comfort in is things I know are wrong. My soul has become consumed by this inescapable darkness. I don't even know what happiness feels like anymore, because I don't even remember the last time I was honestly happy. Just like I can't wake up one morning and suddenly be normal, I can't just wake up one morning and decide to be happy. It doesn't work that way. I can't be happy because I'm not happy. The only people I've ever met who understand what I feel are those who know what I feel.. All I know is that I hate this place that I'm in. I hate what I'm doing with my life, and I hate this misery.

I hurt too much. I cry too much. I think too much. Life is just too much.

Go ahead, tell me I'm being ridiculous. But I can't hide the way I feel when it is the only thing I feel. And I can't pretend I'm not in pain when everything hurts.

Sadness Is When

Sadness is when
someone you trust,
lies to you or
goes behind your back.

Sadness is when
you find out
someone you love,
actually hates you.

Sadness is when
you want to help
someone in need,
but there isn't a way
for you to help.

Sadness is when
plans get canceled,
plans you've been looking forward to
forever.

Sadness is when
someone leaves,
perhaps forever,
and you never had the chance
to say good-bye.

You sometimes think you want to disappear, but all you really want is to be found.

Man. This has been such a long semester. Out of every semester I’ve been here… this one tops them all based on suckiness. Not a real word, I know. Still applicable though. But whatever. I don’t particularly feel like talking about that at the moment. Let alone if I ever will because of certain annoying people in my life.

Ugh.

So I actually finished my major application in time! Holy moly, that thing was intense. If I had to guess how many hours altogether it took to complete that, I would say somewhere around like 80 hours at least. It was pretty rough. But now that I’m in the middle of writing a 20 page paper for one of my classes, I feel like maybe that was actually nothing.

I did indeed go through with the hot dog story video for my application though. And I think you should go watch it. Here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3xfS7wUNBI

Or don’t, that’s cool too. Actually that’s not cool. Go watch it.

Change of subject.

I’ve had some pretty crazy things going on in life lately.

I’ve met some pretty cool people. Like Jeffrey R. Holland. And Al Fox. Well, I guess “meet” isn’t really the correct word, because those occurrences both lasted for like less than a minute. But they both still had an impact on me nonetheless.

And can I just take a minute here and say what a fantastic person Al Fox is? I mean, I’ve seen all her Youtube videos and everything. I really admired her before I ever even heard her speak. But all she was to me was someone on Youtube. I didn’t know her as a person. Ok, I still don’t know her. But just something about being in the same room as her completely put me at awe. Not only was she so much more real, but instead of just seeing her happy in a video, I could see and feel how happy she was in person. Ever since then I’ve just looked up to her so much more. It’s kind of just hard to explain how that night impacted me. I feel like I just came to know a part of her that you can’t get from her videos. In person she is just so much more incredible. What I would give to be friends with someone like her. Or actually her. That would be better. 

Ok. I’ll stop with that tangent. What I’m mainly writing for is just to vent. There is something I’d like to write about here, but I don’t think I’m ready to yet. For now, I’ll just leave it the fact that my life has been quite a struggle lately. And lately I have been so much lonelier than usual. Maybe it’s because I’m a lot more depressed than usual, I don’t know. But it feels awful. I won’t try to explain how it feels. That would basically be like trying to explain to someone what sugar tastes like, if that someone has never tasted sugar before. But, I will just put two quotes here really quick that I think kinda portray some of how I feel:

• Sometimes we need someone to simply be there…not to fix anything or do anything in particular, but just to let us feel we are supported and cared about.
• You sometimes think you want to disappear, but all you really want is to be found.

That second one especially. I just feel like I’m worthless right now, I can’t explain how much. Like, why am I even on this earth, I don’t have anything to offer. Or sometimes people make me feel so completely meaningless, that I don’t just become completely empty of worth, but I really just wish that I could just not exist. Just be in a place where people couldn’t see or judge me. Somewhere where I don’t feel unimportant to everyone. But maybe that is just because I haven’t been “found”. No, I’m not talking about love. I’m talking about someone who doesn’t make me feel worthless. Someone who doesn’t dehumanize me. Someone who doesn’t put me at the bottom of their list for everything. Someone who actually cares about my life, and will help me see meaning.
I do want someone to find me. To save me from this place of my life that I’m in right now. To show me that this world isn’t as terrible as it makes me feel. To just be there. 

My dog needs to pee.....

So apparently I'm a junior in college now. And I have a minor. Psychology to be specific.
But a major? Uh, no.
I would love to say that media arts is my major, because that's what I want it to be. But it's not, because it is one of those dreaded LIMITED ENROLLMENT MAJORS. Ay ay ay. I hate the concept of those. I mean, it makes sense for things like nursing and stuff.... but that's it. We pay our lives to come to college, and then there's no guarantee we will even be able to major in what we want to, because we might be declined by a major.
It is so dumb. Just so dumb.
Luckily though, I haven't been declined. Yet. Becauseeee I haven't even applied. It's not like the application is due in a month or anything. Or this is my last semester to freely pick a major.
Oh wait, YES IT IS.
Psych, I am pathetic at this thing called life.
I was going to apply last semester, but I never got around to it. Mainly because the application requires this short video, and I couldn't think of an idea for that to save my life. And I was sort of at this crossroad again this semester, until I was talking to my little brother on the phone the other night. If you're friends with me on Facebook you've probably already seen this, but this is basically what happened:
"I was talking to my little brother on the phone.... and he told me that he tried to send me a hot dog and bun in the mail. But he only put one stamp on it, so it came back to him in the mail, and the hot dog and ketchup was exploded all over everything. And the moldy bun is still sitting in the mailbox.
He is 8 years old, and going far in life."
Is that not the greatest thing ever? I think the greatest part is, he was making the whole thing up. But basically, this is what my video will be. And although it still has to like actually be made... I do think I just might actually have a chance at getting this application done on time. Whether or not it's worth it to actually try, I guess I'll never know unless I do try.
I just can't imagine the feeling of being accepted into the program, it would be unreal. And I can only hope that it can be real.

Higher Ground.

Pretty much this is just something I wrote for a scholarship application.... It had a word limit otherwise I probably would have said more. This isn't everything about me. It's a large part of why life is such a struggle for me, but it is not even a fraction of what I do deal with. I'm basically just posting it on here because it's about my life.... and therefore relevant to my blog. And no one will ever see it anyway....

"I may not have a physical disability, and I won’t even try to pretend I know how hard it would be to live with one. I could write about how I struggle financially, but what college student doesn’t? I don’t want the purpose of this to be comparing myself to someone else, because everyone has their own trials in life.
            What I would like to write about is what I find difficult regarding life. The disabilities I have are all emotional, and unless you’ve experienced what I go through, it is impossible for anyone to understand what actually goes on inside my head. Whenever I try to talk to anyone about it or ask someone for help, they always tell me that I just need to stop being so negative about everything, and that it’s my own fault I’m never happy. When I hear these things, not only do I lose trust in trying to confide in anyone, but what they say just eats away at me mentally. I start thinking maybe it is my fault, maybe I am the one who makes myself so miserable, maybe I am the only one to blame. It’s not fair to think those things, because it isn’t my fault. I did not “give myself” depression or any of the other things I deal with.
When I feel like I have no one to talk to, I tend to just bottle everything up inside me in hopes it will just go away.  There always comes a point where it all overflows and I just break down. It is a never-ending cycle I fear I will never escape. I can’t explain what it feels like, but I saw a quote once that said “it feels like drowning, except you can see everyone else breathing”. It makes it hard for me to find motivation to do anything; getting out of bed is the hardest thing I face every day. As I’m saying all of this, I’m scared I’ll just be looked at as a pathetic person who will never get anywhere in life, because I feel that’s what most people do think of me. But most people who view me that way don’t know what I deal with, they don’t know what I’m going through, and they don’t know how I give everything I have to just not give up on everything.
All I can say is that I try. I try to do my best in school. I try to give my all at work. I try to give the world something good to think about me. I try not to give up, I’m trying to graduate. I’m trying to make it through life. Although that may never be enough, all I can do is keep trying. "

Sometimes college is really hard....

I miss home.

Where even if everyone hated each other, I still felt loved.
Where I could walk in the kitchen to make something, and all the ingredients would just be there.
Where day to day life just seemed so consistent.
Where I didn't feel this lonely.
Where I felt like I was actually accomplishing something in life.
Where all my favorite people lived under the same roof.
Where Adam and Isabella are.
Where there isn't a foot of snow everywhere I turn.
Where I had people to talk to instead of having to bottle everything up.
Where I have parents, people to take care of me.
Where there was a nightly unenthusiastic "it's time for dinner" announcement.
Where my life didn't seem so pointless.
Where I have family- the one thing I want right now.
Where my life didn't seem so hopeless.
Where I will always have a place to go for the rest of my life.
Where I knew the stairs so well I could walk on them in the dark without falling.
Where I could drive whenever I wanted to.
Where what I was surrounded by was the only important thing in life.
Where I felt important to at least someone.
Where I didn't feel this lost.
Where I felt loved.
Where I just want to be.


I never thought I would miss home. But I am so homesick. Home is the only place I want to be right now.